Gym Locker Grifter

Every Tuesday, I decide I AM going to the 6pm spin class tonight! I AM! Tuesday nights fits my schedule. Sure it’s the teacher whose music I don’t like the best and he does lots of hills, but I’d prefer hills to tons of sprints. I hate sprints, I’m not a sprinter. Anyway, my intentions are always good on Tuesday night, but the stars of my commute must align for me to get to the gym in time (let’s not forget I have to park, not always a guaranteed spot with the post new year’s resolutioners still crowding the gym, get to the locker room, change, and get up to the spin room well in advance of 6pm or there won’t be any bikes left).

But last night…. the angels sang and all that happened. I even had time to go to the bathroom. As I was walking out of the locker room, I thought: did I put the lock on my locker? I return quickly to check and… there is a silver lock on my locker. Oh no.

Background on my insanity: a couple of years ago, I lost my gym lock. I searched high and low and could find it anywhere. I bought a new gym lock in hot pink. I can be seen from space. Also, easy to find when scanning the lockers because you can remember which one you put your stuff in. The combination to the hot pink lock is burned into my memory by use of a movie title with two of the combination numbers in it. The pink lock and I have happily been locking things up together all this time. About a year ago, I found in the way back of a closet my old gym bag and way down deep, in some unknown pocket was my old silver gym lock. So that is where you were all this time! I happily put it into my new gym bag as a backup, in case hot pink gym lock and I ever suffer a separation. I kept the combination on a note on my phone, just in case.

So here I was looking at my locker, locked with the silver lock and me with the following in my hands: water bottle and spin shoes. What do I not have, my phone. What is the combo? I have no idea. I haven’t used this lock in close to three years. What possessed me to grab this one in stead of my sweet girl, hot pink lock? I try a few combos. Nothing. I think it’s something like.. X Y Z. It’s not. Eventually, I know I am close because the lock feels close to opening. I look around at others in the locker room. Do they think I’m trying to break in to this locker? Am I a locker thief? No one is paying any attention to me. I continue on for a few minutes. Eventually, I must admit… I don’t know the combination. What I think it is isn’t it. Do I go to spin and return to deal with this all sweaty (because I sweat in spin, yo. Oh do I sweat in spin)? Will I be worried the entire time about this? My keys! My wallet! My PHONE.

I don’t think I can deal. So I approach the front desk. Surely something like this has happened before. It must be common place because they say they will send a woman to the locker room to help. This older woman appears with a tool which I don’t know the name of, but are, in effect, giant scissors. I guess we’re just going to cut the lock off. Ok. But do you just cut the lock off any locker that anyone happens to tell you is theirs?  I could be a crazy gym locker thief! Now, I’m not and I’ve been going to this gym forever, so they know me, but who knows, perhaps I’ve become a grifter. A gym locker grifter. Imagine returning to your gym locker and the lock has been cut off and all your stuff gone? The woman turns to me and says ‘you have to be very strong to cut the lock, I’m not sure if I can do it. Maybe you can’. Ok, I’m game. The gym locker grifter is going to cut her own lock. It’s is quite difficult, but I did do it. Is there any check that this is actually my stuff? No. She actually apologized to me that the lock was ruined. No need for apologies, this 100% my fault.

But now I know the combo to that lock: 12-36-24. So easy, all multiples of 12.

Starting a New Exercise Routine?

Ever year the gym is crowded with new year’s resolution-ers, people who want to change and be healthy who use the start of the new year as their kick start. Here is my pro tip:

Find the exercise that you like, that works for you that makes you want to go. 

You don’t have to do what your friends do or what you see on tv or what your favorite celebrity’s routine is. Just get moving and if you try something and don’t like it, don’t do it. You will find what works for you. Your body wants to move. It wants to be healthy. If you have signed up for a gym with all the classes and equipment, try them all until you find something. Don’t be afraid of looking dumb in a class because you’re new. Everyone was new once and they remember what that was like. Also no one is paying attention to what you do. Everyone is looking at themselves in the mirror, not you. If some gym rat does cop an attitude, fuck them, they are an asshole. Assholes are everywhere, what are you going to do? Why should you not become healthier because of some asshole? So get out there and Zumba, spin, walk, run, use the elliptical, take Step, lift weights, bike, take yoga, play basketball, play soccer, swim, dance, kick-box or whatever makes you happy. Stick with it. You will not regret it.

(obviously I’m not a doctor, so if there are any medical issues or concerns, check with your doctor first!)

 

Gym Tips for Guys

Do not tuck your shirt into lycra bottoms

Do not wear short shorts

Do not wear short shorts with your shirt tucked into them

 

Pretty simple, and yet….   There is a man at my gym who breaks these rules regularly.   Granted he’s in great shape.  He is probably approaching 0% body fat, long and lean.  His workout usually puts the rest of us mere mortals to shame.  The things is his clothes, his workouts, his demenour give off a sense of arrogance and overt pride. 

So my amusement was great when I was walking out of a class tonight.  There he was doing some sort of athletic feat that most of us could only dream about in his short shorts with tight lycra t-shirt tucked in.  Suddenly I hear “oh, this asshole again”.  I turn to look at the woman next to med.  Her eyes are huge.  “Did I say that outloud?  Horrible”.    I tell her no, it’s what everyone is thinking. 

You really don’t want to be this guy… so don’t.

Men’s Boot Camp

For once I arrived early for my kickboxing class and what did I see in the studio: men’s boot camp. MEN’S Boot Camp. At first I thought: why do men need their own boot camp? You can’t keep women out of boot camp if they want to go. Discrimination! I can do anything men can do, and in many cases more…And then I glanced at the class schedule, conveniently posted by the door, classes such as yoga, interval training, step, pilates, butts and guts… zumba (and let’s be honest, zumba is suburban white women trying to dance in a sexy way). 99% of these classes will be attended by no men, and if there is a man in the class, it’s a man, singular. Why are men so afraid of classes choreographed to music? Why do women love them so much? The truth is men should nut up, be a real man, and show up to these classes. But since they don’t. Perhaps that men fear anything considered girly isn’t the gym’s problem to solve. But allowing people of both sexes to be healthy and challenge themselves is. This is after all, a gym that opens for six hours on Thanksgiving morning to serve it’s mission. So go on, have your Men’s Boot Camp, fill it to the max as this class was.
But I will revel in the fact that the teacher of Men’s Boot Camp is a fiesty, little, woman.